I nearly had an eating disorder

I love it when I figure things out when I randomly look back on my past and say 'holy shit' to myself.
Not that long ago I realised I was very close to having some kind of eating disorder as a teenager.  Many little things I did seemed normal though, that's probably why it took me a while after not doing them to realise they were warning signs.  When it hit me, I was indirectly surprised at myself, like when you hear about some crazy shit your friends done in her life, but I think deep down inside I also found it scary.

One reason I probably thought it was normal was because I only ever heard about the extreme cases (of anorexia, bulemia, etc.) Basically I only thought there was something wrong if you end up in hospital or therapy, or in the middle of a teen magazine after recovering.

Also, the constant reminders/expectations to exercise and always keep your body as one kind of 'perfect'.  Little exposure of healthy people with different body types, different lifestyles, etc, in media.  People comparing themselves and other people.  All the myths and misinformation around weight, bmi, fat content, calories, the food pyramid, metabolism, and fitness.

You can also say to teenagers that they can ignore all these things, focus on more important parts of life, but It's just so much easier to say than do.  Humans are social creatures, and in the teen years, you're coming out of childhood, you're getting more responsibilities, everyone's telling you to 'act your age', you're realising the horrible truths of the world, about humanity,  you're trying to find your place in the world, you're impressionable, you want to be like all the people that seem to have it better.  Damn this is becoming heavy.

😔  These were the main things I did:

• I put bikini pictures of models from magazines on my wall, right next to my bed so when I woke up in the morning I would be motivated to exercise. She was the ideal image that wasn't even of my own making (<-- does that make sense? like i put her up as an image of what I thought everyone else((whose opinion i would care for)) thought as attractive and ideal).
  

• I tried 'one food' diets, that I saw other skinny girls trying, and totally thought they'd work on me.  These diets contained lots of salt or sugar and very little nutrition.
  

• Using the scales everyday. /  Measuring myself on a regular basis.
  
  
• I'd try the things kids with disorders talked about in the magazines.

• Self induced vomiting - this one actually makes me really sad, and so so VERY glad and relieved it didn't continue.  But it did get to the point where I did it after I had already done it, without eating.   I don't really eat a lot of huge portions, but I can eat lots of portions in one day that are way too sugary or salty.  The biggest thing about this is I don't know how I suddenly decided to do it.  I wasn't even thinking, it just happened.  And I still don't remember when or how it stopped, but it did. 



• Pills and diet suppressants
  

• One meal a day, and exercise constantly through the whole day - typical road to anorexia.  This behaviour was the most 'successful', and to be honest I would do it again, but maybe two meals? (<-- see this is normal to me and i think to lots of others too).  This I feel is also  more accepted by the world.
  

Another thing I didn't do, but more of something I thought - Getting sick was okay because I wouldn't be able to eat for a while and I'd lose a couple of kilos, and then try to stick to the 'new weight'  The only reason I don't let myself  anymore is because I have to work and earn schmoney. For this to actually work, I'd need more than a few days, and i'd rather not be poor tbh.

So that was teen me.  The interesting thing is, the year before high school/officialteenyears, innocent me actually wanted to gain weight! But this sadly also started my addiction to chocolate sugar.  And I also berated myself every year afterwards for ever trying to gain weight. Luckily now i'm totally fine with bitter cocoa, though I still have lots of sugar with my hot drinks. :(

I don't think I ever got a serious eating disorder, but I was at risk.  Luckily it was mostly the fact that I can't stick to one thing for too long, that nothing too serious developed. And also my desire to get over my insecurities.  I can also understand people with eating disorders definitely do not 'chose it'.   You never 'think' about it from the outside.  It's just something that's happening, like the earth spinning.  You only ever think about it as your living it.   And it's embarassing.  I did most of the things listed in secret, and I wasn't even trying to do so.  It was subconciously shameful.  And I definitely didn't talk about it to others as if i wanted to be part of a sad girls ed club. To me, it was pretty much more taboo than periods and masturbation.

This was a long one.  It is a subject I care about, because I was so exposed to all aspects of it growing up.  But now, I'm a little wiser and more aware of where bad thoughts come from.   I'm definitely not as healthy as i'd like to be, but I try to balance my diet.  I move around an average amount, though i've been a little slack recently.  I care about these things, but I don't stress about them and each day I'm caring less and less for others opinions and expectations, only working on my own.  I'm also slowly getting over my insecurities.