Today ...

I got home like at 6.30 in the morn.
It was not the greatest night out, but it wasn't bad either. I got to see some places i've never been to before, but then i also saw how shit some could be when there's no hype.
At the end of the "night" we ended up walking from the clubbing district to the CBD where my friend lives.  We couldn't be bothered ubering, and i actually thought we were walking to find food and water. We ended up in the usual fucking place. or more like the kebab shop there.  And we saw the usual place regular and had an awkward conversation with him.  The night was so boringly weird that we kicked a bottle-cap the whole way and even rescued it from the sewers when we were like 20 metres from the end.
Then the bus ride home was peaceful, and i basically daydreamed the whole way about some fictitious relationship that so damned perfect it could never be real. ever. not even close. in any universe whatsoever.  The sun was already up so i felt quite awake.
The bus i caught was like the last service of a super early 'night' bus route.  If you get on from the first stop, it's funny to see other people in desperate need of a bed at all the other stops, and to watch them grab their friends who have basically passed out.  Yes alcohol and drugs is bad for you, and bad things happen, but you can't deny how funny some things can be!  It's also wonderful to see people's passed out faces resting against the windows if you're the one to get on the bus at a later stop.
I also love how organised the night bus is.  It is for safety, and i feel like it's kind of aiding people to get wasted, but it seems so friendly!  The bus stops usually have two people helping passengers get on the right bus, then another worker on the bus making sure people get off the right stop.  I'm not sure if it's changed now, but the first few times i took it, i was dropped off as close as possible to my place.

Writing challenge ! and high school was not so great

I was going to practice creative writing, even though i'm more into visual creativity.
But i wanted to know my capabilities if i did put effort into writing like a short story.
I also wanted to explore this because i never really got to even in school.  My english teachers were good people, but they never really taught me anything, and the curriculum was (and might still be) absolute shit.  I did explore interesting subjects for assignments, but i feel like i never got to practice the detailed techniques that could have given me better marks for those assignments. 
I know if i practiced i could do okay.  Most of my assignments in uni were done within a day, with hardly and editing or revising, and I still got around 70%+.  My new media subject in high school also taught me how to write something and i got my first and last ever A for a writing assignment.  But my English classes were basically given a sheet that said 'structure' on it, and that was it. Intro, Body of a few paragraphs, Conclusion with recommendations.  That was it.  My school was pretty shit.
My school was also shit because they got rid of the only subject i was looking forward to on the year i was about to enter. Even though the subject was pointless to the majority, i saw it as really important for my future, and i still feel the same way. fuck you forever.

Then i got distracted and instead of creative writing, i'm gonna do a little challenge list i found on pinterest! I guess i failed that already.  Or i'll just put it on hold and get back to it 11 years from now.  It's based on books, so i think i'll just pick several from the list and move on to another list.  I haven't really read too many books in the past few years, at least compared to my high school days.  But i'm still getting through some, and there's a few on my wishlist because i go into bookstores quite often for a whole bunch of reasons.  That's one thing i miss about high school though.  I could read so much, and i did that now i've forgotten so many titles but i remember all these stories.  It's frkn confusing

This is the first list:

Something that cannot die, School disappointments

I still haven't gotten over Life is Strange!  I mean I don't think it's the best game ever, but now i'm sure it made a difference to my life.  I think my obsession has passed, and so has most of the sadness from the last episode hype, so I think I will be able to replay it in a different way again soon.

Anyways, I am (or was just) studying for my LAST EVER exam!  But even though it's my last, I still haven't put more effort into it than usual.  I don't know what's wrong with me or what happened along the way, but I'm not gonna beat myself up over it.  Well maybe a bit but not to the point of stressing out.  I'm glad my exam is late in the afternoon tomorrow, but I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I didn't study half of the stuff I had planned even with a whole week to do so.

I only realised recently that this whole degree I just did, even though I thought I could do good from the start and found it quite interesting every now and then, It just wasn't my passion.  Because of this, I couldn't put my whole heart into it even though I really wanted to.  It's just not who I am.  I worried so many times about why I lacked motivation, and would spend time trying to get that motivation.  Changing up my schedule, adding different things into the routine, seeing things from different angles, but when motivation was -50,  i could only manage short sparks of energy.  Ofcourse for some subjects I somehow did good in due to a bunch of different factors, but I hardly ever reached top of the class.  Some semesters I actually ended up spending a majority of my time on completely unrelated things.

There is this one subject that I had done really well in, right until now, the end.  The subject I had the most passion for, around August, all interest just faded!.  Bam, gone, hello,,,,?  where the fuck did you go??>>?!.  what the actual fuck!  I had this passion for you for about 6 years, then it's all gone just out the door.  Will you ever even come back?  This is the subject I have an exam for tomorrow (oh shit i just checked the time, i mean it's actually *today now!)

Now i'm not really regretting anything, because it has been interesting most of the time, but somewhere inside me there's this voice saying ' ooooh you just wasted time and energy! so much of your life! you could have been doing other things '.  Things definitely didn't turn out how I wanted them to.  Definitely not how I expected them to.  But I had seen many different endings as to how this would turn out, and I have new plans.  Or more like a brand new list of plans, and I hope I end up somewhere I'm really hoping for at this moment.

I think this is the most effort I've put into typing a post.

Because ,,, INFP checklist

My thinking is centred on me so much atm
I mean like i think about myself a lot
what i would do in certain situations
what groups i identify with
etc etc etc
but if i'm enjoying somethings delicious
sorry but i probably won't offer it to you til im nearly done!


Moving on, i'm bored again so i'm checking personality websites when i should be studying
I did a bit already though.
Okay, so with labels, i think it's good to look at some to help understand yourself a bit more, and even to not feel alone (or special, up to you).  The myers-briggs personalities are even on scales.  Even though there are all these things i can label myself comfortably with, i'm still aware that if i meet someone with the exact same labels, they can be completely different from me.   This is just a completely pointless list post about the things I see on the webs about INFP.  The things that are me, i will check, and what's not, i'll red out.  The ones with ~ next to them are ones i feel only sometimes.  I am also aware many of these points mix with other types.  The idea is how a lot of these work together at the same time.


Procrastinates a lot ✓✓
reflective ✓
idealistic, sensitive, empathetic ✓
very curious ✓
we see the good in everything/everyone  ✓ (however i'm still very suspicious of people)
can't decide! ✓
disorganised / environment is disorderly ~
prone to lateness ✓
lose things often  ✕
time alone re-energises us ✓
but we do love other people's presence ✓
strong desire to help others ~
we do make plans but rarely follow them ✓
sudden mood drops ✓
unmotivated unless it's our true passion  ✓
struggle with insecurities ✓
we are definitely creative  ✓
we LOVE places where people can just BE!  ✓
quite passionate  ✓
fearful thoughts get out of hand just like our dreams ✓
attracted to counter culture ✓
enjoy individuality ✓
routine is fine, but not for a long time ✓
preference on freedom and flexibility ✓
we're just so creative that we look at things from many different perspectives ✓
we see the many many many different possibilities ✓
we act on things without plans ✓
but we write down so many plans! ✓
emotions and moods go into making decisions ✓
desire to escape reality ✓
easily distracted, sometimes on purpose  ✓
we're in our own world ✓
sensitive to our mood ✓
we love music, and again depends on our mood ✓
daydreaming is super fun ✓
enjoying walks (and daydreaming even more) ✓
we like to go into things that enrich our mind and soul  ✓
we like to share things with others  ✓
the need to understand others ✓
value integrity and honesty in others ✓
very loyal ✓
forgiving ✕
tolerant and open-minded ✓
can read people well ✕
we accept a lot of things, but we will react if somethings against out core values ✓
like to put down our thoughts (haha, journal in every corner of my room) ✓
we assess ourselves and actions a lot ✓
it's time to shine when we're asked to work on something creative ~
ignore advice ✕
not care about reality ~
can be quite irresponsible (i don't wanna be an adult) ✓
have trouble communicating verbally ~ (only to people i feel are smarter than me)
make assumptions  ✓
easy to feel victimised  ✓
think too much ✓
can easily be melancholic ✓
self-doubting ✓
hate criticism ~
observer ✓
we feel alone a lot ✓ (im actually comfortable with this)
small-talk tires us out in bigger social situations ✓
but we do enjoy being around people to a certain degree ✓
the non-dnm conversations let us zone out, 'oh what were you saying just now'  ✓
we don't like seeing the evil in humanity ✓
we're very sensitive to injustice ✓
rare to get verrry angry ✓
really go for equality and human rights ✓✓✓
hate the idea of a world where people can't be who they feel ✓
remembering random facts about people ✓
always interested in strangers  ✓
if you ignore/upset me, fuck you ✓
if i feel really insulted personally, i will bother to get you back hard  ✓
we want people to be honest with us ✓
we get realllly into a story if it interests us at the start ✓
we think a lot about what others think of us, even if we truly don't care  ✓
can be irrational in times of conflict ✓
start things a lot but can't quite finish ✓
quitter ✓
despite all this shit we're still hard workers ✓

damn that's a long as list