Something that cannot die, School disappointments

I still haven't gotten over Life is Strange!  I mean I don't think it's the best game ever, but now i'm sure it made a difference to my life.  I think my obsession has passed, and so has most of the sadness from the last episode hype, so I think I will be able to replay it in a different way again soon.

Anyways, I am (or was just) studying for my LAST EVER exam!  But even though it's my last, I still haven't put more effort into it than usual.  I don't know what's wrong with me or what happened along the way, but I'm not gonna beat myself up over it.  Well maybe a bit but not to the point of stressing out.  I'm glad my exam is late in the afternoon tomorrow, but I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I didn't study half of the stuff I had planned even with a whole week to do so.

I only realised recently that this whole degree I just did, even though I thought I could do good from the start and found it quite interesting every now and then, It just wasn't my passion.  Because of this, I couldn't put my whole heart into it even though I really wanted to.  It's just not who I am.  I worried so many times about why I lacked motivation, and would spend time trying to get that motivation.  Changing up my schedule, adding different things into the routine, seeing things from different angles, but when motivation was -50,  i could only manage short sparks of energy.  Ofcourse for some subjects I somehow did good in due to a bunch of different factors, but I hardly ever reached top of the class.  Some semesters I actually ended up spending a majority of my time on completely unrelated things.

There is this one subject that I had done really well in, right until now, the end.  The subject I had the most passion for, around August, all interest just faded!.  Bam, gone, hello,,,,?  where the fuck did you go??>>?!.  what the actual fuck!  I had this passion for you for about 6 years, then it's all gone just out the door.  Will you ever even come back?  This is the subject I have an exam for tomorrow (oh shit i just checked the time, i mean it's actually *today now!)

Now i'm not really regretting anything, because it has been interesting most of the time, but somewhere inside me there's this voice saying ' ooooh you just wasted time and energy! so much of your life! you could have been doing other things '.  Things definitely didn't turn out how I wanted them to.  Definitely not how I expected them to.  But I had seen many different endings as to how this would turn out, and I have new plans.  Or more like a brand new list of plans, and I hope I end up somewhere I'm really hoping for at this moment.

I think this is the most effort I've put into typing a post.