But I Care

Dating and getting to know people intimately is quite a journey, especially when trying more new things at the same time.  For context, I didn't really know exactly what I wanted but it was along the lines of something exclusive but casual, not looking to settle down or look too far down the road. 

It hasn't been that long just yet with one person, but the most challenging thing I'm experiencing, is the sudden onslaught of self-consciousness and insecurity that I never gave a fuck about before. Excuse me? Well I'll deal with that somehow. 
What I'm not sure I know how to deal with though, is when I speak some of these feelings at one moment.  Naturally you say that no one cares. I know that no one really cares, but I do. 

Something I can't control, and I definitely cannot ignore, for now atleast.

New Things

Life update!→

I still have the same job and soon it'll be a whole year since i've had it!  I've only ever had one other job that I had for a year, and even that was mostly 1 to 2 days a week :/

Also booked tickets to go for a long vacation overseas! woot!

And recently started classes for a short course in fashion.  It's pretty interesting, very casual, and kind of only really worth it of you do lots of the assigned work on your own effort.  It's one full day a week, and  in an interesting place by the city.   You get given homework but it's not checked.  Only if  you show it to the teacher who will give you feedback.  So, like, if you really wanna get good, you gotta do it on your own terms, which I guess is realistic and good if you wanna make it from scratch in any industry.  The thing is last weeks homework, I spent 10 hours on it, and I reckon i'll spend more on this weeks.

͓

+picture of Helen Mitchell

Ummm

I have Schizoid PD.
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Well, fuck.

2016 so far, It's May

International May Day today!  A lady on the street gave me a flyer about U.S. war tactics, and a rally against it.  I would of gone but I'm a loner when it comes to these things.  I know people either completely uninterested, or so informed and obsessed in the subject. It's tough, sometimes, being in that middle area. (lol)  But I wanna know, is the Philippines really being used for the u.s. to get at China? and if yes, how exactly? hmmmmmmmmmm.

Anyways, It's basically the middle of the year and I'm still like at the start.  Not much has happened, but I just know from history it's gonna get rocky in the next half of the year.
weeny bits of 2016 so far in dotpoints:

Madly searching for a ft job
Haven't found a decent ft job
Been rejected in so many ways
Earned some decent money
used all my money
still in debt
crushed on a guy
stayed off fb for a decent while
finally hardly ever use fb
cut my hair the shortest I ever have in my grown up life
found more new music from people I've listened to for forever
made my hair bluish green, like teal. yay!
read harry potter (I'm halfway)
watched so much youtube for the first time in my life
did door sales for more than the training period
got into tele sales
got into evaluation for a fucking awesome company and flopped
got hired then my department cancelled before me earning money
cried to a random woman after she told me her abuse story
had real 'I should die' thoughts for the first time ever
kissed a u.s. army guy for helping me instead of giving him a feminist fyi.
started a new label project that will be for the future
cried for an old friends mother
started volunteering
still getting fatter

2016 New Year's resolution???

I spent New Years in asia town.

I couldn't be bothered with a NY resolution last year, because I was actually feeling quite okay, happy with myself, etc.  I thought I'd just let things be.  It ended up being one of my calmer years, maybe even the calmest.  Probably because I was less involved with other people's shit, and spent more time on myself.
I also became more aware of myself without doing any soul searching on purpose.  I became even more comfortable, but i still got a few more trials to get through.  I realised so many other people just don't care or think the way i do, even though they say such things.  I became more understanding of other people, but i also learnt to not deal with other people's bullshitiness.
My interests also changed a lot.  I've made long term plans in the past but they've gone through so many changes.

Now I decided i should go with a resolution this year, just to see if i can achieve it.
So here is some things i'd like to do:

Be more artsy: more time drawing and actually try to paint well and do a good canvas artwork. I got to experiment more to improve.
&
Backpack and travel! for a decent amount of time.  Over a month all together would be great. Hopefully I can find a place to stay in and explore for a three month period!  I'm thinking a week in New Zealand, and a week in Japan.  Maybe even go to Spain.

Things that were in 2015

Things I can remember I did in 2015:

Joined over 5 protests
stormed City Hall
cut my hair the shortests it's been since i was 5
graduated university
began spanish
went to byron bay for semester break
stayed in a hostel
stayed in  a huge TP for a night
saw hockey dad twice
week trip to butuan/Cebu
went through mindano on a bus alone
became more aware and happier about myself
got a new computer
worked at the ekka
worked in  a themed food van
more into casual simple fashion
unhappily spent 500 on j-fash
used a cat calendar - only cat thing in my room
interest in america and backpacking born
tweeted a lot
deactivated fb
lost interest in japan and japanese
stayed up all night in the city in  a net cafe
drank a lot but stayed in moderation 95% of the time
began hanging out with guys only
affirmed idgaf about gender
tried street fundraising
made a real friend that i stayed in contact with out of uni
made plans and actually met with a friend from HS
only went to one convention
first time not going to conventions in my city
kissed a girl, no open mouth but still counts
traveled nearly 2 hours to get to another campus
hang gliding and steered myself
kissed 5 guys in one night
in a club with a bunch of randos till 3am
spent so much time playing games
so emotionally invested in LiS
fell in love with everyone in mgsv TPP
made my own dress for a ball
went into crazy legal battle involving rent property
existed by myself for a while
lived like a swagman
made my own fires
dieted like crazy
used an  air bed and floated a kilometre down the bay to another house
cared for 3 kittens for like a month
no new year resolution but i think it was the calmest year

maybe i should make a resolution for this year...

Today ...

I got home like at 6.30 in the morn.
It was not the greatest night out, but it wasn't bad either. I got to see some places i've never been to before, but then i also saw how shit some could be when there's no hype.
At the end of the "night" we ended up walking from the clubbing district to the CBD where my friend lives.  We couldn't be bothered ubering, and i actually thought we were walking to find food and water. We ended up in the usual fucking place. or more like the kebab shop there.  And we saw the usual place regular and had an awkward conversation with him.  The night was so boringly weird that we kicked a bottle-cap the whole way and even rescued it from the sewers when we were like 20 metres from the end.
Then the bus ride home was peaceful, and i basically daydreamed the whole way about some fictitious relationship that so damned perfect it could never be real. ever. not even close. in any universe whatsoever.  The sun was already up so i felt quite awake.
The bus i caught was like the last service of a super early 'night' bus route.  If you get on from the first stop, it's funny to see other people in desperate need of a bed at all the other stops, and to watch them grab their friends who have basically passed out.  Yes alcohol and drugs is bad for you, and bad things happen, but you can't deny how funny some things can be!  It's also wonderful to see people's passed out faces resting against the windows if you're the one to get on the bus at a later stop.
I also love how organised the night bus is.  It is for safety, and i feel like it's kind of aiding people to get wasted, but it seems so friendly!  The bus stops usually have two people helping passengers get on the right bus, then another worker on the bus making sure people get off the right stop.  I'm not sure if it's changed now, but the first few times i took it, i was dropped off as close as possible to my place.

Ghost World

One of my favourite movies is Ghost World.  I don't remember exactly when i watched it, but it was definitely after i graduated high school.  I was getting over anime at this point because most of the titles i liked dealt with highschool/young teen shoujo shonen stuff, and i was so not interested anymore.  This movie i think, will stay with me for a long time.

Why i love it:
Timing  - Enid graduated at the start of the movie, but she still has those art classes to do.  She's meeting new people, but she's also holding onto the people who've been part of her life so far.  There's a sense of uncertainty of what to do after leaving school. Also a sense of wanting to hold onto things from your youth, but wanting to leave to somewhere new.  This movie was like the movie of everything i felt about my life at the time.  I think if i watched it a few years before/after i did, i wouldn't be able to identify with it as much as i do. 
Costume - I love everything.  I want it all.  And for a long time I didn't really want enid's hair, but for no particular reason (probably boredom), i now have a short black bob. 
Comedy - There are only a few scenes I laugh out loud when i first watched, but there are so many that i think about every now and then and laugh about even in public.  Some of the scenes in the movie are so ridiculous, while still mundane.  I was on the bus once and saw a garage sale outside.  I immediately remembered the one in the movie where a girl wants a dress, but enid goes on about her virginity, and the girls like 'fuck. you!' and i remember her face haha!  I couldn't hold it in!  I'm really bored when i'm on the bus so I tend to laugh at anything.
Enids Character - She's at that point where everyone else is becoming 'adult' and getting their lives sorted out.  She tries, but she stays real. The end of this other post, kind of explains what i mean.  I didn't want to be more like Enid as a few other people have talked about, but because i really could relate to the movie, her character has definitely influenced me.

The comic is also great to read.  I really liked how the movie ended, even if i was really curious to know what happens after.  But i was glad i could have a bit more of Ghost World after the movie, and it made me appreciate it more.

I wish I could go back::: Life is Strange ending

Okay first of all this girl sounds good, and kind of like Chloe:

moving on haha,

Some people have said that Max got her powers for the purpose of experiencing that wish we all have when someone dear to us has passed away.
'What if I could just go back and'  do whatever it is we felt we could have done to stop things from happening.

I don't really care for how she got her powers, or exactly why, but this perspective really got to me.

Okay I'm gonna talk about L now.
She was a wonderful amazing woman who I believed did many things in her time that was very tough for other women to do.  I only realised some amazing things about her after she passed away, but despite this I still felt the same as when it happened.
I grew up around around a lot of religious beliefs and people in touch with their spirituality,
so when L passed away I was able to calm myself down surprisingly quick.  I was very speechless though.  I got a call and when the message was delivered i could only whisper a very choked okay after a few seconds.  My tears were already falling, i couldn't speak, and i hung up as fast as i could. But the first thing that popped into my head as i walked back to my room was 'why did i do this, why did i do that.  if only i could go back and not be such a selfish person'.
L did pass from natural causes, but I had just spent 3 full months with her.  We had gone to aid her in her time of need, because other more responsible people were not doing their role.  Also we had been seperated for too long and she had been wanting us back for a long time.  Even now I find out things about other people who were there that disgust me, and i want to go back to somehow make up for their wrongs (and prevent L's death).  I was still a teen, and you know how they always put education above everything, well i decided to leave after 3 months because i was afraid school would not let me back in next year.  I was happy to leave, I had been craving my normal life among other things.  A week after i got back home, she passed away in hospital, without us.  I only went to meet some unimportant school staff who said the 3 months away didn't really matter.  I felt like i had pointlessly left L for something that didn't really matter.  I had been so pointlessly afraid only to be told there was no point.  At her hospital bed, she only passed after being able to contact one person, who then passed the message on to me.
My regret of leaving only a week before her passing was with me for a long time!  Until recently i only realised what my regret was.  I always wished I was there with her, either so she would have us by her side, or so she wouldn't pass away so quick.  I also wanted to go back so I could be  a better person with her.  Because I was dumb I didn't quite realise how ill she was, and I didn't make much of an effort around her. I acted in typical 16 year old ways, and didn't appreciate the time while i was with her.  All i did want at  the time was to go shopping, eat out, be prettier, be popular, trick boys, etc. Everything besides be by her side, despite being in the same house.
I still miss L very much and I wish I could have spent more time with her, learning more about her.  Just simply being by her side more.   Even though I accepted her passing, I have still broken down countless times with the feeling of wanting to go back.  But now I've gotten ever that feeling.  Even if i did go back, she probably would still have passed.  I probably would have regretted other things instead.  There's nothing I can do about it and I'm gonna have to live with that. I'll just have to remember the times when I was right by her side, and remember the wonderful woman she was.

Even though the game touches many emotions, and i am kind of obsessed with it, I am pretty okay. I'm glad I haven't had any down moments recently (unless when it comes to school work), or I would be messed up as fuk and probably wouldn't even have played the game.  My year came of to a happy start so i think it's gonna last a while.  The crack vids i've seen have pretty much gotten me over the sad stuff.

Lists::: Music right now

Just a list of some music I've listened to recently (that i can remember)
nothing particularly new
just what i've played the past few days
and not in any particular order
---

Cotton Fields - Creedence Clearwater Revival
Hideaway - CCR ^
I'd rather go blind - Etta James
True Colors - Cyndi Lauper
I need a Woman - Hockey Dad
Beach House - Hockey Dad
Love und Romance - The Slits
Love Hurts - Joan Jett v.
You don't own me - Lesley Gore, and lots of other versions
Boss Ass Bitch ! - PTAF
Musings of the Tide - Pageants
Lorraine - Blue Angel
Two can have a party - Tammi Terrell solo v.
Love child - Diana Ross
Crimson & Clover - Joan Jett
We are the people - Empire of the Sun
Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac
Done with you - Shannon and the Clams
Sleep Talk - Shannon...
Rubber Band - Trammps


I have a regular set of albums, so some of these I've listened to for a LONG time.
but not on repeat though,
I hate doing that to a song unless i'm really in the same mood as the song