☀ West Coast 🏜

I lived one of my dreams.
I did it.
I went to the other side of the ocean.

I went to the west coast for month all by my lonesome.

wow did i just really use that grammatically weird sentence? where'd i even get it from? ... more questions for the unanswering universe.

☀ Well, I nearly cried and saw the Grand Canyon. I saw Yosemite and the Sierras and felt I was the luckiest girl in the world.  I met such beautiful people, beautiful amazing american people and travellers.  I was meeting people, then missing them after only a few days.  I was constantly happy and elated.  I saw huge beautiful trees, wild deer and elk, tiny squirells everywhere.  I watched a desert sunrise, a west coast sunset, a san francisco heat wave, and the real foggy mist of monterey.  I went to 'tourist traps' but I didn't feel cheated. Some still have their treasures.  I got comfortable in each new city,  I even became a 'regular' at some places.  But will I ever go back? 

I felt I was in a dream, but that dream became reality.  Then I came back, and home felt like it was a dream. One I didn't care for, and I'd rather wake up soon and be back in the life where I was somewhere new every three days.

Will I ever go back though? USA is definitely on the list someday.  I really want to see more national parks, and deserts, and canyons.  I'm sure i'll still enjoy it, but it won't be the same.  My first full trip was so amazing, the definition of the word.  The worst that happened was some bad mosquito bites, seriously.  I only cried twice;   when i was close to missing the Canyon bus, but a nice life-saving taxi driver decided to turn around and get me as his first passenger.  And at week three when I was thinking of each person I had met until that point - and how many more amazing people i will fall in love with in the future and will only have one or two days with them and how there will be so many 'first and only goodbyes'.

How long i have wanted to just go, and get out of this place. A couple of years ago I bought a blank book for a dollar at the lifeline book fest. The first page of writing has a list of American cities I wanted to see, and five out of nine places were had W for west beside it.  I even wrote "but i'' have to choose sooner than later or it will be pushed aside, and it will be a dream forever"  It did get pushed aside more than a few times, but I kept going for it. I made up my mind and just bought the tickets after only wanting to see how much it might cost to go to LAX.  I didn't even want to go to L.A, but I still got it, and just fixed the right flights later, and I'm so glad i did!  Seriously, If i hadn't purchase it that night I might never have.  Also, L.A wasn't too bad. I miss the people I met there the most, and the sunsets were so beautiful.  I swear to the gods I had gone at such a perfect time, the weather throughout my whole trip was perfect nearly all of the time.

And I wasn't really alone.  I met so many others doing a very similar trip, where as I thought I was doing something weird.  I went by myself to every destination, but at each stop I met others who had done the exact same.  I was oddly part of something.  Lots of people don't realise it but it happens naturally in this world.

I have this bucket list also. It's not written, and it's not definite.  Anything on the list is everything.  And everything on is something that's been ticked.   I'm really revealing my mind here.

So where to go next.  Now I have to make up my mind all over again. But I'll definitely be getting out of here, again.🏜

Grand Canyon sunset

San Francisco post sunset twilight

I nearly had an eating disorder

I love it when I figure things out when I randomly look back on my past and say 'holy shit' to myself.
Not that long ago I realised I was very close to having some kind of eating disorder as a teenager.  Many little things I did seemed normal though, that's probably why it took me a while after not doing them to realise they were warning signs.  When it hit me, I was indirectly surprised at myself, like when you hear about some crazy shit your friends done in her life, but I think deep down inside I also found it scary.

One reason I probably thought it was normal was because I only ever heard about the extreme cases (of anorexia, bulemia, etc.) Basically I only thought there was something wrong if you end up in hospital or therapy, or in the middle of a teen magazine after recovering.

Also, the constant reminders/expectations to exercise and always keep your body as one kind of 'perfect'.  Little exposure of healthy people with different body types, different lifestyles, etc, in media.  People comparing themselves and other people.  All the myths and misinformation around weight, bmi, fat content, calories, the food pyramid, metabolism, and fitness.

You can also say to teenagers that they can ignore all these things, focus on more important parts of life, but It's just so much easier to say than do.  Humans are social creatures, and in the teen years, you're coming out of childhood, you're getting more responsibilities, everyone's telling you to 'act your age', you're realising the horrible truths of the world, about humanity,  you're trying to find your place in the world, you're impressionable, you want to be like all the people that seem to have it better.  Damn this is becoming heavy.

😔  These were the main things I did:

• I put bikini pictures of models from magazines on my wall, right next to my bed so when I woke up in the morning I would be motivated to exercise. She was the ideal image that wasn't even of my own making (<-- does that make sense? like i put her up as an image of what I thought everyone else((whose opinion i would care for)) thought as attractive and ideal).
  

• I tried 'one food' diets, that I saw other skinny girls trying, and totally thought they'd work on me.  These diets contained lots of salt or sugar and very little nutrition.
  

• Using the scales everyday. /  Measuring myself on a regular basis.
  
  
• I'd try the things kids with disorders talked about in the magazines.

• Self induced vomiting - this one actually makes me really sad, and so so VERY glad and relieved it didn't continue.  But it did get to the point where I did it after I had already done it, without eating.   I don't really eat a lot of huge portions, but I can eat lots of portions in one day that are way too sugary or salty.  The biggest thing about this is I don't know how I suddenly decided to do it.  I wasn't even thinking, it just happened.  And I still don't remember when or how it stopped, but it did. 



• Pills and diet suppressants
  

• One meal a day, and exercise constantly through the whole day - typical road to anorexia.  This behaviour was the most 'successful', and to be honest I would do it again, but maybe two meals? (<-- see this is normal to me and i think to lots of others too).  This I feel is also  more accepted by the world.
  

Another thing I didn't do, but more of something I thought - Getting sick was okay because I wouldn't be able to eat for a while and I'd lose a couple of kilos, and then try to stick to the 'new weight'  The only reason I don't let myself  anymore is because I have to work and earn schmoney. For this to actually work, I'd need more than a few days, and i'd rather not be poor tbh.

So that was teen me.  The interesting thing is, the year before high school/officialteenyears, innocent me actually wanted to gain weight! But this sadly also started my addiction to chocolate sugar.  And I also berated myself every year afterwards for ever trying to gain weight. Luckily now i'm totally fine with bitter cocoa, though I still have lots of sugar with my hot drinks. :(

I don't think I ever got a serious eating disorder, but I was at risk.  Luckily it was mostly the fact that I can't stick to one thing for too long, that nothing too serious developed. And also my desire to get over my insecurities.  I can also understand people with eating disorders definitely do not 'chose it'.   You never 'think' about it from the outside.  It's just something that's happening, like the earth spinning.  You only ever think about it as your living it.   And it's embarassing.  I did most of the things listed in secret, and I wasn't even trying to do so.  It was subconciously shameful.  And I definitely didn't talk about it to others as if i wanted to be part of a sad girls ed club. To me, it was pretty much more taboo than periods and masturbation.

This was a long one.  It is a subject I care about, because I was so exposed to all aspects of it growing up.  But now, I'm a little wiser and more aware of where bad thoughts come from.   I'm definitely not as healthy as i'd like to be, but I try to balance my diet.  I move around an average amount, though i've been a little slack recently.  I care about these things, but I don't stress about them and each day I'm caring less and less for others opinions and expectations, only working on my own.  I'm also slowly getting over my insecurities.

New Things

Life update!→

I still have the same job and soon it'll be a whole year since i've had it!  I've only ever had one other job that I had for a year, and even that was mostly 1 to 2 days a week :/

Also booked tickets to go for a long vacation overseas! woot!

And recently started classes for a short course in fashion.  It's pretty interesting, very casual, and kind of only really worth it of you do lots of the assigned work on your own effort.  It's one full day a week, and  in an interesting place by the city.   You get given homework but it's not checked.  Only if  you show it to the teacher who will give you feedback.  So, like, if you really wanna get good, you gotta do it on your own terms, which I guess is realistic and good if you wanna make it from scratch in any industry.  The thing is last weeks homework, I spent 10 hours on it, and I reckon i'll spend more on this weeks.

͓

+picture of Helen Mitchell

Ummm

I have Schizoid PD.
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Well, fuck.

2016 so far, It's May

International May Day today!  A lady on the street gave me a flyer about U.S. war tactics, and a rally against it.  I would of gone but I'm a loner when it comes to these things.  I know people either completely uninterested, or so informed and obsessed in the subject. It's tough, sometimes, being in that middle area. (lol)  But I wanna know, is the Philippines really being used for the u.s. to get at China? and if yes, how exactly? hmmmmmmmmmm.

Anyways, It's basically the middle of the year and I'm still like at the start.  Not much has happened, but I just know from history it's gonna get rocky in the next half of the year.
weeny bits of 2016 so far in dotpoints:

Madly searching for a ft job
Haven't found a decent ft job
Been rejected in so many ways
Earned some decent money
used all my money
still in debt
crushed on a guy
stayed off fb for a decent while
finally hardly ever use fb
cut my hair the shortest I ever have in my grown up life
found more new music from people I've listened to for forever
made my hair bluish green, like teal. yay!
read harry potter (I'm halfway)
watched so much youtube for the first time in my life
did door sales for more than the training period
got into tele sales
got into evaluation for a fucking awesome company and flopped
got hired then my department cancelled before me earning money
cried to a random woman after she told me her abuse story
had real 'I should die' thoughts for the first time ever
kissed a u.s. army guy for helping me instead of giving him a feminist fyi.
started a new label project that will be for the future
cried for an old friends mother
started volunteering
still getting fatter

Visiting Cebu

After being in a smaller city for so long, I felt like a country girl experiencing the metropolis for the first time.  I guess I've also spent most of my life in a smaller city mostly made up of suburbia. It was more exciting than I thought it would be mostly because the place was bigger than I ever thought.  All I knew was that the city was on a smaller island and there were more tourists and resorts.  I had no idea the whole place was actually more than a few densely populated 'cities' side by side.

I'm glad also that I didn't do much research before I went.  It was a very spontaneous trip, with only 1 page worth of notes to prep myself for.  One rainy day I simply voiced my thoughts to my Mum and everyone there that I wanted to visit Cebu.  Main reason was my Mum had experiences there and her stories are always interesting.  Another important reason is her mum, my Lola, originated from there. And me always hungry for family history like I am for old or vintage things, just wanted to walk in the place and get a feel for the place. 

So I voiced my thoughts and my Mum told me how to get there like it was no big deal.  My sister etc actually went before me so they could trip around other places first.  I went a week later so I could help my Mum with some things first.  But I still didn't do much research.  I didn't even know completely the details of getting there, and my Mum just let me put my trust into the casualness of wonderful Philippines transportation.  And meeting up with the other didn't go quite as planned.  I deeeesperately wanted to take the boat, but I couldn't get enough information and so ended up flying.

The experience of getting there I think was also more interesting than I thought it would be. I woke up early, missed the first schedule, got really sick, got candy from a stranger haha, ate alone and TOOK ONLY ONE BITE of DELICIOUSSS FRIED CHICKEN :((((.  I went over mountains and farms, and saw so many little villages and trees I've never seen before, tried to navigate myself in a town I knew nothing about. I didn't even know how to say the name properly.  Talked to some old high rich ladies and plasticlovers, and attempted going into a roof because I saw a rusty old ladder and was tempted. After I met up with the rest we found a hotel, where the receptionist ended up taking us to another location closeby, and it felt like we were the only guests there.  But even though it was a town we didn't know anything about, we still kind of felt at home and were able to easily find food and go shopping etc.

After a one hour flight we went straight to shopping again haha!  Then we looked for good affordable accomodation.  The downside to not planning a trip; it becomes more expensive and a little rougher, but still this keeps it interesting.  We looked at a small hotel that was fancy inside but somehow dodgy on the outside.  We took a crazy taxi drive that gave me a feel for how big the place was, because the driver was really fast on a straight road, and it still took a while to get to out destination.  He told us interesting stories about the hotels, and it's owners and all the bloody drama around it.  For the whole ride I was nervous as fuck and hoping my paranoid thoughts wouldn't become true.  But we got to the hotel and it was awesome!  It was kinds funny we stepped out and there was a late night starbucks right there. 

The hotel was one of those fancy 4-5 stars that you know still has shady shit going on.  But anyways, on to our favourite thing.  We saw the price and decided no, but we still were shown the best and highest room, and told all the fancy features which were actually more interesting than most nice hotels I've been in.  So we moved on.  I checked out the streets and it was more interesting than I thought, like more lively (first paragraph).   We ended up in some dark honestly shady industrial area.  We walked into 'hourly' motels, and even though we figured it out eventually, we still checked out the rooms hahaha!!!.  We then decided to go to 'that nicer looking high building over there', and actually found decent accommodation, right across from more 'hourly' motels, and 'clubs'.

This first night we just chilled and crashed.  The next day I got up earlier than the rest like usual and checked out the close 'view' across the road.  Again, interesting, but the whole picture including the horizon was actually quite beautiful.  The hotel was a bit empty so I decided to 'tour' it alone.  I walked up all the steps to the top, and went in some rooms I probably shouldn't have.  Something inside me was sooo happy and satisfied. The hotel was quiet, with the city hum in the distance, the industrial views, the early morning sun and cool air.  I got so excited I walked around more, found a window and clumb out onto a warehouse roof and saw the city sprawling along with the mountains to the horizon.  Then I got back in and sung my heart out in an empty function room with old windows framing the view of shipping docks and the sea.

Anyways I was there for like 4 days, I forgot.  Different hotel every night.
On the second last night we were supposed to leave but the plane cost half price if it wasn't last minute, so we bought tickets for the next day and stayed an extra night.

I ended up typing more than I planned to, but I think I'll even add extra later.  Right now I'm distracted and need to do something else omg.

how long has it been ???

I'm listening to Kings of Leon songs again,

then I looked at the dates and was surprised when I realised it was 8 years ago that I first hear them!

I was in the middle of high school. So much has happened since then.

I clearly remember Kings of Leon being very popular at that time here, and I absolutely loved 'Revelry'!  Ofcourse I would, listen to it and it's like you could so easily drift off into a dream.