Times I truly Cried

Times I truly cried, and remembered:

I thought I didn't remember feeling much as a child but then I remembered school, haha!

So:

being forced to eat nutella sandwich when I was in 1st grade. i really liked peanut butter, and i still remember how nutella tasted to me the first time.  it tastes different to me now, like delicious af. but back then the nuttiness was strong af.

when i got my period for the first time.  my mum had told me about it maybe a year to a few months earlier, but i had no idea what she was talking about at the time. and i cried automatically when i saw blood. i guess deep down my days of innocent naive childhood were coming to an end. i learnt long afterwards that some people are ecstatic when this happened?! ;(. ofcourse i went to my mum and hugged her and lied i just had a bad dream. the next day i was fine and we did a period ritual.

i dreamt my mum passing. i woke up, not like bolt upright, but just staring for a few seconds at the realisitaion anything could happen anytime.  again, i went out to where my mum was sleeping and just hugged her sleeping.

my friend being bullied and breaking down, hated on from other people for no reason of her own, just other people feeling insecure around her.

16 year old break down, from pent up frustration at my parents' childishness.

quite a few times when my mum first started staying overseas for an extended amount of time. constant worrying that anything could happen at anytime again.  So i panicked late at night once and called my dad at work doing night shift, ordering him to tell my mum to call me haha.

when i was disappointed at myself in first year of fashion school.

leaving my family after only 10 days of a near full family reunion holiday, to do my own travelling.

insecurities around a guy and just deep-diving into it.

when someone jumped infront of a train i was about to catch, on my platform.

when i realised all the constant fear and worrying some black people have to live with just being citizens of their own country.

But I Care

Dating and getting to know people intimately is quite a journey, especially when trying more new things at the same time.  For context, I didn't really know exactly what I wanted but it was along the lines of something exclusive but casual, not looking to settle down or look too far down the road. 

It hasn't been that long just yet with one person, but the most challenging thing I'm experiencing, is the sudden onslaught of self-consciousness and insecurity that I never gave a fuck about before. Excuse me? Well I'll deal with that somehow. 
What I'm not sure I know how to deal with though, is when I speak some of these feelings at one moment.  Naturally you say that no one cares. I know that no one really cares, but I do. 

Something I can't control, and I definitely cannot ignore, for now atleast.

//.Questions for Self Discovery.//

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/654147914598593745/

1. How do I feel at the moment?
Super tired, but also calm from a late night coffee.

2. What do I need more of in my life?
Probably more relationships haha slowly going nuts either way

3. What would make me happy right now?
Seeing my little brother

4.  What is going right in my life?
Me making my own decisions.

5.  What am I grateful for?
All the basics.  And some kind of talent and potential others see in me.

6. Small victories and successes.
Travelling solo.  Going to the other side of the world.  Staying in the same job for nearly 2 years. Graduating university.

7.  What's bothering me? Why?
Typical girl shit.  Will others who I like, like me?  And my health.

8.  What are my priorities at the moment?
Prepping to move out.

9.  When did I experience joy this week?
Christmas day chill with the siblings

10.  What do I love about myself?
My accepting attitude, My own preference for my face. My ideals of beauty

11.  What/Who means the world to me and why?
Not sure yet. As for who, my family, and my own self.

12.  If I could share one message to the world, what would it be?
"We're made of star stuff" & "You are the universe in and of itself"
blah blah blah

13.  What advice would I give to my younger self? (Do I follow this now?)
Listen less to those who try and make decisions for you, do your own thinking and research, and make your own decisions.

14.  What lesson did I learn this week?
It's possible to get over one guy, with another distraction however forced.

↠.hey daydreamer.↞

↠I have very strong daydreams.  I'm doing simple things and at any time I'll zone out almost completely from the real world, and I'm in my head.  My mind overpowers my senses, and there's a movie playing in my head.  Only recently have I started scolding myself more seriously as soon as I'm aware of it.  For about a whole minute I'll just be saying stop stop stop in my head as it keeps trying to come back to life.  Yes the daydreams can be a whole series of one 'story'.  Mostly stemming from things in real life.  Sometimes one string of events and all their different versions.  Events that I'd like to happen, though now I'm trying to stop imagining them and actually focus on really making them happen.  

I used to think this habit stemmed from high school, when I just couldn't pay enough attention to the teacher, my friends were making boring gossip, and I'd force myself to look out the window and think of something exciting that would keep me awake. 

And I just discovered this term 'maladaptive daydreaming'.  Reading through several 'lists' and paragraphs, it's like a waterfall of yes' pouring out of my head. I'm not too surprised or bothered, because I'm still able to live out my life without too much disruption, but then I see drawing/writing your characters from you dreams.  And I'm like fuck to myself once again.  No silly this didn't start in high school.

There were times when I was younger when I did this whole drifting away. I remember in early primary, I'd have whole story lines in my head, and/or a group of characters with clear facial and body features and purposes.  I remember them clearly still because I drew them out.  Of course I still think that's completely normal, but honestly I stuck with these characters in my head for such a long time!  I'm pretty sure one went on till just before high school, and I'd remember her every now and then.  She had begun from one of my dreams, and when I woke up from it I felt extremely heavy.  I guess I just couldn't let go of her. I really believed in them.

This never turned into an imaginary friend situation, but I also would never speak of this to anyone else because once I'd finish zoning out I'd be mostly back to reality haha.  I never cared for my secret story lines in the real world  I was either fully in it or not at all. It was all in my head, in a world of my own. That's charm of it.

Anyways I've realised just thinking about things won't do shit.  If I keep going into wonderland without trying to reprimand myself, it could also get worse.  I'll end up sticking to the same job, staying in the same place, talking to the same people, instead of going out there and just dealing with the realness of everything. ↞

Also I've been loving the rainy weather.   The hot summer days can stay away for as long as they can please weather gods thanks.

☀ West Coast 🏜

I lived one of my dreams.
I did it.
I went to the other side of the ocean.

I went to the west coast for month all by my lonesome.

wow did i just really use that grammatically weird sentence? where'd i even get it from? ... more questions for the unanswering universe.

☀ Well, I nearly cried and saw the Grand Canyon. I saw Yosemite and the Sierras and felt I was the luckiest girl in the world.  I met such beautiful people, beautiful amazing american people and travellers.  I was meeting people, then missing them after only a few days.  I was constantly happy and elated.  I saw huge beautiful trees, wild deer and elk, tiny squirells everywhere.  I watched a desert sunrise, a west coast sunset, a san francisco heat wave, and the real foggy mist of monterey.  I went to 'tourist traps' but I didn't feel cheated. Some still have their treasures.  I got comfortable in each new city,  I even became a 'regular' at some places.  But will I ever go back? 

I felt I was in a dream, but that dream became reality.  Then I came back, and home felt like it was a dream. One I didn't care for, and I'd rather wake up soon and be back in the life where I was somewhere new every three days.

Will I ever go back though? USA is definitely on the list someday.  I really want to see more national parks, and deserts, and canyons.  I'm sure i'll still enjoy it, but it won't be the same.  My first full trip was so amazing, the definition of the word.  The worst that happened was some bad mosquito bites, seriously.  I only cried twice;   when i was close to missing the Canyon bus, but a nice life-saving taxi driver decided to turn around and get me as his first passenger.  And at week three when I was thinking of each person I had met until that point - and how many more amazing people i will fall in love with in the future and will only have one or two days with them and how there will be so many 'first and only goodbyes'.

How long i have wanted to just go, and get out of this place. A couple of years ago I bought a blank book for a dollar at the lifeline book fest. The first page of writing has a list of American cities I wanted to see, and five out of nine places were had W for west beside it.  I even wrote "but i'' have to choose sooner than later or it will be pushed aside, and it will be a dream forever"  It did get pushed aside more than a few times, but I kept going for it. I made up my mind and just bought the tickets after only wanting to see how much it might cost to go to LAX.  I didn't even want to go to L.A, but I still got it, and just fixed the right flights later, and I'm so glad i did!  Seriously, If i hadn't purchase it that night I might never have.  Also, L.A wasn't too bad. I miss the people I met there the most, and the sunsets were so beautiful.  I swear to the gods I had gone at such a perfect time, the weather throughout my whole trip was perfect nearly all of the time.

And I wasn't really alone.  I met so many others doing a very similar trip, where as I thought I was doing something weird.  I went by myself to every destination, but at each stop I met others who had done the exact same.  I was oddly part of something.  Lots of people don't realise it but it happens naturally in this world.

I have this bucket list also. It's not written, and it's not definite.  Anything on the list is everything.  And everything on is something that's been ticked.   I'm really revealing my mind here.

So where to go next.  Now I have to make up my mind all over again. But I'll definitely be getting out of here, again.🏜

Grand Canyon sunset

San Francisco post sunset twilight

I nearly had an eating disorder

I love it when I figure things out when I randomly look back on my past and say 'holy shit' to myself.
Not that long ago I realised I was very close to having some kind of eating disorder as a teenager.  Many little things I did seemed normal though, that's probably why it took me a while after not doing them to realise they were warning signs.  When it hit me, I was indirectly surprised at myself, like when you hear about some crazy shit your friends done in her life, but I think deep down inside I also found it scary.

One reason I probably thought it was normal was because I only ever heard about the extreme cases (of anorexia, bulemia, etc.) Basically I only thought there was something wrong if you end up in hospital or therapy, or in the middle of a teen magazine after recovering.

Also, the constant reminders/expectations to exercise and always keep your body as one kind of 'perfect'.  Little exposure of healthy people with different body types, different lifestyles, etc, in media.  People comparing themselves and other people.  All the myths and misinformation around weight, bmi, fat content, calories, the food pyramid, metabolism, and fitness.

You can also say to teenagers that they can ignore all these things, focus on more important parts of life, but It's just so much easier to say than do.  Humans are social creatures, and in the teen years, you're coming out of childhood, you're getting more responsibilities, everyone's telling you to 'act your age', you're realising the horrible truths of the world, about humanity,  you're trying to find your place in the world, you're impressionable, you want to be like all the people that seem to have it better.  Damn this is becoming heavy.

😔  These were the main things I did:

• I put bikini pictures of models from magazines on my wall, right next to my bed so when I woke up in the morning I would be motivated to exercise. She was the ideal image that wasn't even of my own making (<-- does that make sense? like i put her up as an image of what I thought everyone else((whose opinion i would care for)) thought as attractive and ideal).
  

• I tried 'one food' diets, that I saw other skinny girls trying, and totally thought they'd work on me.  These diets contained lots of salt or sugar and very little nutrition.
  

• Using the scales everyday. /  Measuring myself on a regular basis.
  
  
• I'd try the things kids with disorders talked about in the magazines.

• Self induced vomiting - this one actually makes me really sad, and so so VERY glad and relieved it didn't continue.  But it did get to the point where I did it after I had already done it, without eating.   I don't really eat a lot of huge portions, but I can eat lots of portions in one day that are way too sugary or salty.  The biggest thing about this is I don't know how I suddenly decided to do it.  I wasn't even thinking, it just happened.  And I still don't remember when or how it stopped, but it did. 



• Pills and diet suppressants
  

• One meal a day, and exercise constantly through the whole day - typical road to anorexia.  This behaviour was the most 'successful', and to be honest I would do it again, but maybe two meals? (<-- see this is normal to me and i think to lots of others too).  This I feel is also  more accepted by the world.
  

Another thing I didn't do, but more of something I thought - Getting sick was okay because I wouldn't be able to eat for a while and I'd lose a couple of kilos, and then try to stick to the 'new weight'  The only reason I don't let myself  anymore is because I have to work and earn schmoney. For this to actually work, I'd need more than a few days, and i'd rather not be poor tbh.

So that was teen me.  The interesting thing is, the year before high school/officialteenyears, innocent me actually wanted to gain weight! But this sadly also started my addiction to chocolate sugar.  And I also berated myself every year afterwards for ever trying to gain weight. Luckily now i'm totally fine with bitter cocoa, though I still have lots of sugar with my hot drinks. :(

I don't think I ever got a serious eating disorder, but I was at risk.  Luckily it was mostly the fact that I can't stick to one thing for too long, that nothing too serious developed. And also my desire to get over my insecurities.  I can also understand people with eating disorders definitely do not 'chose it'.   You never 'think' about it from the outside.  It's just something that's happening, like the earth spinning.  You only ever think about it as your living it.   And it's embarassing.  I did most of the things listed in secret, and I wasn't even trying to do so.  It was subconciously shameful.  And I definitely didn't talk about it to others as if i wanted to be part of a sad girls ed club. To me, it was pretty much more taboo than periods and masturbation.

This was a long one.  It is a subject I care about, because I was so exposed to all aspects of it growing up.  But now, I'm a little wiser and more aware of where bad thoughts come from.   I'm definitely not as healthy as i'd like to be, but I try to balance my diet.  I move around an average amount, though i've been a little slack recently.  I care about these things, but I don't stress about them and each day I'm caring less and less for others opinions and expectations, only working on my own.  I'm also slowly getting over my insecurities.

New Things

Life update!→

I still have the same job and soon it'll be a whole year since i've had it!  I've only ever had one other job that I had for a year, and even that was mostly 1 to 2 days a week :/

Also booked tickets to go for a long vacation overseas! woot!

And recently started classes for a short course in fashion.  It's pretty interesting, very casual, and kind of only really worth it of you do lots of the assigned work on your own effort.  It's one full day a week, and  in an interesting place by the city.   You get given homework but it's not checked.  Only if  you show it to the teacher who will give you feedback.  So, like, if you really wanna get good, you gotta do it on your own terms, which I guess is realistic and good if you wanna make it from scratch in any industry.  The thing is last weeks homework, I spent 10 hours on it, and I reckon i'll spend more on this weeks.

͓

+picture of Helen Mitchell